This is way too painful. Being the one that is being hurt is always the most painful one. The one that hurt someone will not be as painful as the one being hurt. I started to dislike to be in the reality. Every second, i wish to be in the dream for i would not think so much. I am lucky because there is still a lot of friends beside mi. It's getting more and more busy yet i get laziler everyday.
I stop visiting the place that hurts mi a lot. I lock it all up. Trying to make myself recover as fast as possible. Because i do know that i will die if i don't. It's like i am on drug and this is the withdrawn symptons. I must quit the drug or else it will be too much for mi to bear. I can feel my heart ache every time i think about it. However, i believe that every thing will be better. Much more better. I must stand strong. For the strong will survive, the weak will just die off. Trying to convince myself every minute too. I don't need any comfort. Distraction is all i need.
It's near the end and i must definately finish the race. Just a little bit more. I must finish all my work.... must must must.... no more dreamland. Probably it can make everything much better. Trying all the different method to struggle for survival. This is our unfortunate human life. Hai.... bear with it then.
niapster . 1:14 PM
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I think i am really not a person that can force myself to do the things. In the end, there will always be an opposite effect on mi. A lot of things has changed. Too much. The way you speak, treat a person and even your thinking. Is it good or bad? I am not sure.
However, i am sure of my own feeling. Pain and force is all i got. Words of my shortcoming comes from your mouth are like thorns that pierces through my heart. Trying so hard all these while are hardly appreciated. I took up all means of way to keep contact with you but not much information was told to mi either. Y try so hard? I also can see that you don't then what's that for then.
People said that i should be glad. However, i am not at all. Because they don't know what is going on. People think that i am glad cause he always think of mi and it's sweet. However, it is not at all. It is to just to pray for my maturity and also to change me as a person. Change for a wider mind to accept all the responsibilities and duties that i am supposed to be doing. Isn't these a disgrace? when all of the people think otherwise, it is all as if an insult to mi. These is worse than disappointment. Probably, i am just not fit to be a person's gf.
A plan of being together is lost. I fell from the heaven to the ground in a split of seconds. When you said all these, all is left is pain. Yes, i give up easily. You are right. I am not like any other girls that will just stay by their bf no matter what or without any disgrace. And i know you like that kind of gf. However, i am not. forcing mi to become one of those kind is like change my identity as a person. I will not be who i am. Probably, you don't reallie like mi as a person of who i really am as a human being ba. Rather you are matching mi with the idea dream person in your mind. Or comparing with what virtues a lady should have. But all these are just not mi.
I really tried very hard these time. In the end, all my efforts has just flowed down the river. There are times when i tried like giving up. But i don't cause i tot that i was just thinking too much and even he don't reply, i can still do my part. Only until the moment you mentioned all the failure i had done so far has destroyed everything. It's feel as if i am not enough to be a person. Not fit to be a person you wanted in your eyes. All my effort are just what i have to do. No feeling is needed to be taken care of. The question is just do it or not. As simple as that....
I reallie not fit to be with you. No need to try le. Since i am a person that give up easily then i shall mi just who i am. I gave all my effort up then. I had just fell in the pool and i can't swim. I struggle and hope to have someone rescue mi. However, there is none. So i stop struggle and die in the pool.
niapster . 10:29 PM
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A few sad things.
Dunno why my dear got angry with me again, and even threatened to delete this blog! I won't let that happen, cos this blog is a symbol of all our time together, and it's really important to me.
I wonder what has happened today? I tried treating her especially well and talked to her several times today. Woke up in the morning and left her a facebook msg before going to sleep, then called her 2-3 times throughout the day before we met. She says it's cos I put the dinner too late, but I asked her if 8+ was alright and she said it was. So I don't really know also. I don't think I forgot about her today cos I did make several attempts to talk to her and keep in contact, but I guess around 5+ when I called she wasn't happy already. But I really thought back then it was cause she really wanted to sleep more. But now looking back, I think she was already angry then.
Hai, bereft of understanding again. =/ And I was so looking forward to tonight.
niapster . 9:41 PM
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seriously... everyone around me just wants what they want.. =(
parents, friends, all the same.
niapster . 11:50 PM
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The video doesn't work. =/
niapster . 12:37 AM
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Today is the first day of chinese new year. I reached home early. Not so tired. Got a lot of hong bao-$168-. A lot right? muahahaha. My dear also win 40 bucks lah...so happy!! Think i will get a big present for my valentine day liao. kinda miss him a lot for today...don't noe y? Sometime, i feel that i am really very bad, i bully him, angry at him, put all my anger and unhappiness on him,yet he say nothing. He is such a understanding guy. Really feel very forunate to have him by my side. He cared abt mi a lot! Whenever i feel like crying, he will be very worried. He will kept on asking what happened yet i don't say a thing. Poor him.
Yesterday, we two bangsey all our friends and go out have fun!! Haha...kinda fun. I know that not everyone approve our relationahip. But, who's care? It is all our problem what. Let's the time be the best evidence. I do believe this will be a lasting one. He do really understand my tot. Really appreciate it!!! Not forgetting all my friends too, i think i sometimes have to bangsey him to gather with my friends. I believe he won't mind de ba. (Niap, if u r reading this, u won't mind right?) haha.....keke......
-Ever Lasting-
Yeah I'm still reading this, again. And I don't mind, except when you went Australia last year.
This few days, my temper is getting worse. i get irriated easily. I think i must learn how to control it le. i am really sick and tired of being get caught le. I think i ready have a weak heart manx. I cannot take it lah. I think i am going to have a heart attack sooner and later. (niap, i think u noe what i mean!!) So, i think u should be more guai from now onward le hor...!! yeah.~~~Happy~~~
sorry, i didnt tell the truth again. i haven't slept yet. I keep thinking.. like you said, you affect my mood again. so it's fuck it to the paper tomorrow. i've spent a long time reading your blog again. i read what you wrote and thought when you were with mark, how you felt when he found someone else. i remembered when you told me you couldn't trust because of that. and seeing your boyfriend go out with other girls, no matter what he claims his motives. i think i can understand. fighting with me is only because i am important enough and you care, that's why you fight. reading your blog made me understand who you are at core, despite how the years have changed you and me.
i hope you know, and always know, you never became less important. i changed, and i learnt to hide my true feelings better. to the whole world, to you even. because just like you've had a past that hurt you, so have i. i always smile sadly when you ask. haha. but that's not the point. i understand how much it means to you that ever since i've come to nus, being in arts, meeting new, other girls, how it affects you. how it digs up old wounds even if you don't realize it.
i understand dear. i realize what a beautiful person my dear is, only after i keep reading your secret blog that you never shared with me back then. have i become very selfish? somewhere along the way i've hidden myself from both of us, including myself. i've changed to learn to enjoy the company of other ppl, but at the same time i hurt you so badly. it really made me think which is more important to me.
what a hopeless idiot i am. i really don't deserve you.
niapster . 2:31 AM
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I don't dare to claim I can love you for ever,
but hopefully I can love you for a lifetime.
♥ ♥ ♥
niapster . 1:57 AM
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